Forgiving myself

I have forgiven you, have you forgiven yourself? -God

All of us at one time or another have messed up bad in our lives by committing sin. We tend to keep that mess a secret from everybody, but for sure, we cannot keep anything secret from God. He knows and sees all our mess-ups. But guess what!? God can forgive us no matter how much we’ve messed up. What about us, have we forgiven ourselves?

I have struggled with guilt and the inability to forgive myself for all my mess-ups. Not being able to forgive myself was such a burden, it’s like carrying the weight of the whole world over my shoulders. I got so depressed & felt that there is no way out. Emptiness and despair took hold of me. My mind and heart slam shut. I could no longer sleep. And no matter how much I try, I couldn’t control thinking negatively…I was like wearing a dark glasses that distorts everything I see. I couldn’t focus and became more irritable at work. I really felt life was not worth living anymore.

But God didn’t want me to stay there for long. He sent His earth-bound angels through friends to speak to me on His behalf. I’ve opened myself up to them…boldly. It wasn’t easy at all. But there’s no other way to do it…I needed help badly. Aside from their help, I knew I needed to help myself as well. And so I started planning my life…thought of concrete steps to help my self.

Journaling was an effective help for me. I recorded my feelings, thoughts and prayers for each day. It’s a valuable way of releasing my feelings and a great way to see how God works in my life everyday.

Learning guitar also helped. It consumed my time and energy…because I’m trying to learn only by myself (haha). I tried to learn to play at least one song I can offer to God…a song that reminds me to trust in Him. 

Slowly, I was able to re-open my heart and mind again…with God’s grace. I have decided put down and leave the heavy weight behind and enjoy my best life…being able to enjoy life again, to laugh again, and to see the beauty in others again. Yes, I finally gave myself permission to heal and to have a new relationship with the most important person in my life…ME. I changed the way I treat myself and I learned to love and accept myself completely for who I am.  Afterall, I am the only person on this earth who can make myself feel totally happy and loved. 

I praise you, Lord, for your goodness. I don’t deserve your love but you pour it out into my heart everyday. Thank you for supplying me all that I need to create a new life to start the new year. Amen.


By Ivy Retuta, SFC UAE